THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

*** R.I.P. the HMVHumourList (December 2000 to December 2006) ***

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Dear reader,

As previously announced, this is THE END of the HMVHumourList in
its present form (cue Doors song now)! Gone are the written and
text-based jokes. Elvis has left the building, this "blog" will
remain intact for the time being, albeit abandoned.

Pictures tell a thousand words (and a collection speaks volumes).

You're welcome to join the GoogleGroup that contains nothing but
BINary files - mostly in the form of images or PowerPoint shows
or outright other naughty stuff...

In future and until further notice, all material and junk will go
to The Dirty Thumb - and you're welcome to contribute, too!
To subscribe, simply send a blank email to
TheDirtyThumb-subscribe@googlegroups.com

The main site http://www.hmvh.de.vu will remain, for the time being.

Have fun, and happy 2007!

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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

edit: 19-08-2008

* Did you fart, 'cos you blew me away!

* Are your parents retarded, 'cos you sure are special?

* My love for you is like diarrhoea ... I just can't hold it in!

* Do you have a library card, 'cos I'd like to sign you out...

* Is there a mirror in your pants, 'cos I can see myself in them?

* If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

* Man: Fat Penguin!
Woman: WHAT?
Man: I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I'm sure I could make your bed rock!

* I can't seem to find my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he
went into this cheap motel room...

* Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

* If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
afternoon.

* Your face reminds me of a spanner, 'cos time I think of it my nuts
tighten up!

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[Contributed by Rufus Blairgowrie]

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!

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Mom and Dad were watching TV, when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches,
rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot
for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into
the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the
newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the
table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the
plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and
stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote
a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and
pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.

She then signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the
envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near
her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and
flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then
made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and
turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in
the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing
homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of
things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV
and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

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[Recovered from the online archives...]

If women are so good at multitasking, how come they
cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?

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Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she's
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and
why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Can I fix this myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Bob

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[Selected by Jim Griffith @ rec.humor.funny]

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered
that she was out of credit. She instructed her son to use his own phone
to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After Junior had called, he got back to Mummy to inform her that there
was a woman that had answered Daddy's phone the three times he tried
reaching Dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon
seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap,
and then she slapped him again, for good measure!

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause
of the commotion was. Mummy asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady
said to him when he called.

Junior said, "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at
present. Please try again later..."

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[Contributed by Tom Kikonyogo]

Women like silent men. They think they're listening!

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly - him in the upper bunk and her
in the lower bunk.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Go get your own f*cking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he rolled over and farted.

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

Marriage is an institution involving a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.

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"My wife and I found the secret to a peaceful marriage several years
ago - separate bedrooms. I sleep in the east bedroom and she sleeps
in a different part of town." - Mike Nichols

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her." - Sacha Guitry

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Hemant Joshi

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them."
- Alexandre Dumas

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
'What does a woman want?'" - Sigmund Freud

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1) Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2) Whenever you're right, shut up."
- Ogden Nash

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once." - Anonymous

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
- Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
- Milton Berle

"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." - Anonymous

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they did not they
would have married too."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

...but I was next door holding the ladder
while my neighbour changed some light bulbs.

http://home.arcor.de/hmvh/2006/547.htm

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She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked how come
I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

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[Selected by Jim Griffith @ rec.humor.funny]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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A man was summoned to his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first, or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first," replied the husband.

"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" laughed the man, "I can't wait to hear the
terrible news then!"

"The terrible news is... the picture is of you and your secretary!"

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[Lifted off emailjokes.co.za]

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, there is no good news.

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